I watch myself sink further into a place of unrest for the things that I use to have in my life, and things that I will never have a chance to have again. Simple things, a close friend. Someone who will be the shoulder that I can cry on. Playing ball in the street, walking down River road, Biking to the river for a swim on any given afternoon. Walking to the Allison's place with Missi, passing Dales house and arguing with him. Then doing the exact same thing on the way back. Picking peas and strawberries with aunt Elosie. Climbing on top of Grands porch roof and sitting there. Hiding out under her porch when I was having a bad day. Looking for doodle bugs.. trying to fix the troubles of the world talking to her through the floor boards of the porch. Her always telling me that I would find my way. ( Love you Grand and Miss you!!)
The lunacy of this all is, I want the simple life I had as a child. I want the love I felt as a child. I want the secure feeling I had as a child that I didn't have to figure everything out on my own. To know that there was someone who cared enough to help see me through it all and to give me a knowing nod if I was on the right path. I want care.. I want concern. I want to be happy again. I want to know who I am again.
I almost feel like I am nothing more than a Mom to Kal, while I love her with every fiber of my being, I know that she will move along in her own life soon. And I am dealing with that. I think... But I know it is coming and it is natural. It is just, oddly enough I don't think I have been anything more than a Mom for the last 20 years. It is what I am best at. I don't know how to be loved anymore. I don't know how to properly care. I can be a lover, hell, I can be a fuck, But I don't know how to care and how to BE CARED for anymore..
I am reaching behind me trying my damnedest to bring old memories and happy feelings back to the top layer of my soul. Last night I was reminded that I can't properly have those feelings, I have to build new ones.. ahh..
easier said than done of course.. My auntie told me to make a FLORIDA to do list.. and she is going to do her Best to help me fulfill it...
#1 JOHN BROWN... hahaha and I don't want her help taking him off the list..hahahaha
Gotta laugh.. so they say..
peace all
Flesh
2 comments:
ok now its your turn to explain...John Brown?
As for the rest...take a pill and fuckitall! No thats not the answer.
Hmmm do you think if we google it we can find out how to fix what you think is broken in you?
because if you werent capable of love, being loved,,and able to give and recieve it then you are in some serious denial young lady.
I remember a phone call telling me that a person had passed away. Unfortunately for me and you I didn't know what to say when I should have been saying you say whatever you need to get out im here to listen.
What i heard in that voice on that line was not a person incapable of the things you say you are incapable of.
You just have to find your way back to dusting it off because i think you may have hidden it away and need help opening that drawer. dust it off and keep being true to you and let you out...its not as scary out here as you think...scary yes but not intolerable.
I don't know the details behind this post but I just wanted to tell you something. Anyone that writes with this much feeling & insight has definitely got the capacity for caring & being cared for.
I think as we get older, we all go through the feelings of wishing our childhood back. I wished for just such a thing the other day when I wrote my blog entry.
You leave such heartfelt comments on my blog and I thank you very much for that. If we share Heather as a friend...we are definitely nuts from the same tree. *laughs*
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