The Trouble with Richards.....

The trouble with Richards. Ok, So not the most fantastic blog title ever, But most definately what has had my head in a whirl lately.

Richard L #1 was the easiest to deal with. Summer love, and the FIRST love of my life. He was my neighbors Nephew that came to spend a summer. We crushed on each other that whole summer. It was the stuff of movies I am telling you. We went swimming together, walking, anything to get out of eye sight of the adults and brazenly hold hands and kiss each other on the cheek. It was a perfectly placed summer romance to remember.Sadly, Just like in the movies, That love was never meant to last. I will never forget the night that his parents showed up to collect him and drive him back home to God forsaken SOUTH CAROLINA where I would most likely NEVER go and never see him again. I cried my eyes out for dayssssssssssssssss missing him. We wrote each other for a few years as pen pal loves... UNTIL we each got older and realized it was MUCH easier to love people closer..hahaha.. Live and learn right? and besides.. Now he is only and hour and half away from me. NOT that I want to love him anymore.. Just a small world isn't it? hahaha..

Richard #2. My first LOVE.. and my FIRST.. yes.. THAT kind of first. I was a very late bloomer when it came to sex. I had of course had boyfriends who never got any. Some who just bet everyone else they would be first. They all thought I would give into them at some point and time. Richard M was the ever present BAD BOY in our school. He had kicked more people's asses than any small army could concour. He was just the town bad ass and My simple sweet virginal self ADORED him.. You hear me?? I mean I flat out thought the sun rose and set with that man!! ahhhhhhhhh... what could be wrong with this?? Hahahaha Alot, a Birth father who was one of the biggest racist in the world, A little sister with a HUGE ass mouth and her fathers solid devotion because she was JUST LIKE HIM, and a STEP Monster who hated me for being a constant reminder that my sprem donor in fact had screwed another woman before her!! Ain't life grand. But, I wanted Richard.. half black, Half PR, he was to me the dark Adonis of my life. Perfect in every manner, To me anyway..hahaha... One night at a football game I spoke to him asking if he had seen my sister. He and I were both now out of school, but in a poke dunk town like Groveland, there was little else to do. We talked some and decided to just forget finding her and go out. Beauty was in my heart, Richard was in my heart, and not to far after we were an item, and we were sexual and it was BEAUTIFUL.. and I told him I loved him... and I TOOK IT BACK JUST AS QUICKLY. I have no idea why I did it. I have no idea why I suddenly got scared to say that to him. But I did, and I left. I ran.. Later in life, I married one of his EX friends, a man who HATED him and forbid me to speak to him. I guess I thought I was safe that way... You never forget the first person you share your whole self with. ..

Years later I met Richard #3.. In my mind, My soulmate. a Man I lived for and would have died for. A man who made me a woman. Who gave me such pure love I never thought I would be able to live without him. He was murdered when Kaleigh was 1. My world fell apart and I never ever thought I could love anyone as deeply as I love that man. Life moves on and so do we. I have learned to love. But not like that...

Richard #4... I have had a special relationship with him for 3 years, and just recently ended it a month 1/2 ago. He was/is a beautiful man who I honestly thought could settle all the issues inside of me...hahahah Fat Chance, but I had hope, and Yes, I began to love him. The issue with that. I can't see myself loving anyone fully. Isn't about the dumbest crap you have ever heard?? But I felt it, So I needed to end it and move on.

By moving on, I mean just being me.. Or Doing me as people say. So for the last month or so I have just done my own thing and done what makes me happy, Then out of the blue... Richard #2 find me on FB!! HOLY Blast from the past Batman!!!

OMG at the questions a man can throw at you 20 years later.. and the first?? was my daughter ALL WHITE????? Uhmm Damn.. I mean seriously, He asked me if she was his and is that why I hauled ass on him. I never once in my life thought I left that man thinking that he had another child out there that I was to damn scared or a bitch to tell him about. Sadly thought, Obviously I gave him reasons to wonder. He began to tell me how everytime he knew where I was at that I would move again and now he finds me and I am 800 miles away. I think thats called being SAFE.. but .. hell.. Now I don't even know. I can say honestly, I do love how we talk to each other like not a day has past.. how we always were together before I took off. He makes me feel like he wants to rebuild something, He told me that he loved me. I told him, Hugs and I will talk to you tomorrow.. he said, You will say it again, and then there will be no taking it back this time....

I cant sit here and lie saying I have not replayed every memory I ever made with him in my mind. Because I have, and they have all be beautiful. But I know I am not going anywhere anytime soon. Sadly, I am not much of a runner anymore...

Nothing to actually say with all this, I just need to get it out of my head.. and this needs to be outted QUICK like.. I am going home in July........

Peace,
Flesh