Most of my life I can remember being an odd yet colorful person. I didn't need to be around alot of kids, I was quite ok with myself and entertaining myself. I seldom had a sitter or care taker. My Grands lived next door and held our house key. I simply got it let myself in and took it back to them. For the most part I was alone and fine.
I was also the product of a broken home.My Mom remarried to an amazing man that I call DAD, and well, My sperm donor remarried to a troll of a shedevil that for 30 years I have refered to as the StepMonster. Why?? Simple, She is a jealous cow who never moved on past the fact that my sperm donor had another woman before her!! Simple yet wasted emotions. Jealousy is nothing if a WASTEFUL emotion... Nothing good ever comes from it. I learned at a very early age it would sure do nothing for me having to deal with her crazy ass. Each time I went to their home I was given the 3rd degree about every move my parents made. EVERYTHING... I learned at a very early age that the best answer was always, I DON'T KNOW.. I DON'T KNOW.. I DON'T KNOW.
I am sure it gave her and her family the opinion that I was a stupid child, But even at a childs age I KNEW not to tell others business. So, in a now realized reality, I know I learned not to say anything at an early age. I learned right away to keep crap inside so it doesn't cause ANYONE issues, harm, hurt, jealousy and a world of other crap that my child's mind would dream up to reenforce the Keep Quiet code being built inside of me.
What I didn't know is that when I was a GROWN ass woman, these little things that I taught my self to survive, will now most likely take some of the people I love away from me. I can't give them the answers they want to hear. I can't tell them how I truely feel. I know for one person, It would be such a hurtful thing, as I have carried around an anger in me for about 10 years now. Well, 10 in july, Sad huh? And Heave knows if I let it out now, the heat from my anger would match the flames of hell themselves against him. I don't believe in hurting in anger. It never makes life easy after it all.
The worst part about it all is, that there is one person who I do adore, I have now for sometime. My eyes light up, my smile is instant and tears of joy have slipped down my cheek with just the warmth and nearness.
I just can't say it.. and I know it is going to cost me so much in the end... and I just can not let it go...it is just not going to come....
((even as the eyes are closin; Do it with a heart wide open, say what you need to say))
If I could...
peace and poprocks....
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