Shell

I forgive you for trying to be happy. I forgive you for trying to be happy for yourself, and not realizing that you were never really doing it for yourself. So I guess I forgive you for being stupid. Stupid for thinking that YOUR own happiness depended on how someone saw you, loved you or cared about you Michelle. I forgive you for the lies of strength and self pride and power. I forgive you for being so fucking dependent on others, and I forgive you MORE for allowing you to lie to your own self about how independent you were. Or, thought you were. Yes, I forgive you for that. I can forgive all those YEARS you spent toting that super bad ass chick persona on the outside, and forget all those same nights that you lay in the dark with tear stained cheeks HURTING inside, only to awaken and do the same damn thing every single day. I forgive the tear soak pillows, the burning swollen morning eyes. I forgive the dreams of a better day.

I forgive you for allowing some sick vile mother fuckers desires of a child to  become the stepping stone to what became your lack of self pride, self love, self worth and a whole fucked up assortment of  warped views on worth and love. I forgive you for allowing that to be the life lesson on which you judged yourself upon. YOU WERE ALWAYS WORTH SO SO MUCH MORE!! I forgive you for never seeing that in yourself and not reaching out to really learn that. I do forgive you though, You dealt with it the best that you could, without never really being shown any different.I forgive you for turning to food. I forgive you for becoming BOYISH, MEAN, TOUGH, UNGIRL LIKE. I do forgive you, because I know why you did it. It was easier to blend than to be. I understand why you did that.  I forgive for the others. I forgive you for the idea that someone would be different. I forgive you for not demanding something different. 


I forgive you for never seeing yourself as well as your siblings. I forgive you for spending more time on them and their issues than you ever did on your own. I forgive you the short boy hair cuts to cut down on TIME when they needed more make up time getting ready for school. I forgive you always trying to dress down. To show them off. I forgive you for not wanting to be special. Honestly, I do. 


Mostly, I forgive you for not seeing yourself as loving!! I do! I forgive that you have never seen the real you without someone else s thought of who you are added into the mix. I forgive that without people in your life, you can not see who you are. I forgive you for being to scared to TRY!! 


I do, and I hope that you do too!